Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
