meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
