Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Randomize
