mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just had sex bonerless
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
