Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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