I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
