Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
