Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
