I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
