if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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