Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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