I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
