everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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