I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
