when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
