the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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