Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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