is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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