I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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