Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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