Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
