you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
