I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Is it penis luge time yet?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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