i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
