new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
