So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Randomize
