Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
