epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
