Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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