Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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