He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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