Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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