If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
