So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
