The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
