my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
