she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
