I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
