my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
