Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Randomize
