I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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