Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
