I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
