I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
