I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
