Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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