I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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