They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
