well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
And my parents said I crawled through the house
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
