I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
