Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
my liver is dry heaving
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
