My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
When are your genitals available?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
