So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
