i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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