the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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