when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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