i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
